The kids that don't grow up and out

When I first had kids, a recurring piece of advice from older parents was to recognize that my life would be all about the kids for the next ten years. After that, the traditional advice goes, you begin to have time to do things other than take care of kids, and when they grow up and move out you'll miss them but you can go back to spending time on your own hobbies.

The traditional advice doesn't apply when you have special needs kids. The older my kids get, my time and mental energy continues to be consumed by them. One child has physical disabilities and the older and bigger he gets, the more time it takes me to bathe, dress and groom him. A "quick" bath was possible when he weighed forty pounds, but as a full grown man, moving him is never "quick." Plus he now needs to shave, etc.

The other two kids with special needs don't need physical help, but they do need near-constant supervision. Which means no running out to the store. No sitting and reading a book for more than ten minutes at a time. No starting the day without creating a plan and schedule for the two of them that will cover nearly all the minutes in the day. Free time for them is a request for chaos. I do try to avoid chaos as much as possible.

My days are full. My nights are spent considering how they will live when they are grown. Considering how they will live when I can no longer physically move my son by myself. how they - and I - will live when they no longer have school to go to everyday. How they will live when my daughter has the legal right to leave home and avoid my constant supervision (remember the chaos thing?).

My situation is exacerbated by the fact that I have more than one special needs child, but every parent with special needs kids has the same trajectory. Devote all your waking time to your kids when they are infants and toddlers, gain a little free time when they start school, go back to devoting all your waking time, and often, many of the night time hours as well if you have insomniac children like I do, to your kids when they grow older.

It's just different. And sometimes, it's lonely.